Evil is Always Unremarkable
by ROSSELLA1
Summary: Squidward Tentacles is the fifth victim in a series of abductions. All the other victims were found raped, tortured, and murdered. Finally, the Bikini Bottom Police call the BAU in.
1. Abducted

Note: I do not own Spongebob or Criminal Minds or any of their characters. Yes I know this is unrealistic. No I do not plan on explaining how the team comes in contact with the cast of Spongebob or how they can breathe underwater. That's a bit too much work and I really don't care. You can think up any explanation you want or just read it. I just felt like every universe should be crossovered with Criminal Minds at least once.

Squidward Tentacles left the Krusty Krab at eleven that night and started to walk home. It was late for a fast food restaurant but cheapskate Krabs refused to close earlier or hire more people. He would have stayed open all night just on the hope that one customer would come in but that hadn't worked so good last time so he'd given the dream up. What made it worse was that Spongebob had been forced to take a vacation so Squidward had had to act as fry cook _and_ cashier.

It was dark and cold and Squidward was getting nervous and so he jumped when he heard a honking and a shiny red boatvertible pulled up alongside him. He breathed a sigh of relief and then put on an angry face when his high-school rival poked his head out the side door. "Well hello, Squidward!" he sneered. "Why are you out so late at night?"

"Squilliam!" he snapped. "You almost gave me a heart-attack! Hold up! What are _you_ doing out so late?"

"Oh, I was just cruising around in my new boatvertible looking for losers to pick up when I saw you." Squilliam replied. "So what are _you_ doing?"

"I'm walking home from work if you must know and I'd like to get home before dawn, so _if_ you don't mind…" Squidward said starting to walk away.

"Hold up, Squidward!" Squilliam said in a more serious tone. "Are you _sure_ you should be walking home alone? Especially considering… well, you know."

He did know even though he hadn't thought about it that night. During the past few weeks a number of squid had gone missing in the last few weeks. All lower-middle class cephalopods who worked at fast food joints, bald, medium build. Just like him. Every single one had been found raped, tortured, and murdered days afterwards in front of the place where they worked. No one had seen them being abducted and no one noticed when the bodies were dumped. The working theory was that it was a guy who frequented fast food places or worked in one but no one was certain. What was certain was that he waited until his victims were alone to abduct them. Just like Squidward would be the moment Squilliam pulled away.

"I-I'll be fine." He said in a not at all reassured voice.

"You sure?" Squilliam replied, "You know, I could give you a ride…"

"Would you?" Squidward said relieved. Now that the topic had been brought up, he didn't feel at all like walking home.

"Of course! What type of guy would I be, letting an old pal walk home alone? Get in."

Squidward went around and to the passenger side and got in. "My house is just-"

"Oh, I know where your house is." Squilliam replied, starting to drive.

"Oh." It was funny but he couldn't remember Squilliam ever coming over to his house. The two lapsed into silence until five minutes later. "Squilliam, you passed my street." Silence. "Squilliam?, Squilliam what are you-"

"You know, Squiddy?" Squilliam interrupted him. "I've been planning this for a long time." It was then that Squidward noticed that the handles had been taken off the inside of the passenger door and that it was locked. He realized with a pang of fear that no one had seen him get in the car. No one would know where he had gone.


	2. Notification

Notification

Note: I do not own Spongebob or Criminal Minds or any of their characters

"Okay, so what have we got?" Hotch asked, turning to JJ who was at the front of the room.

"Squidward Tentacles was reported missing yesterday. He was last seen eleven Saturday night leaving the Krusty Krab, where he works as a cashier, to walk home. He didn't show up to work the next day and his concerned neighbor, a Mr. Spongebob Squarepants?, reported him missing. Normally the police wouldn't call us in this soon but he is the fifth squid to go missing in the past month. This is a picture of him," JJ said, bringing it up on the screen. "And these are pictures of the other victims." She clicked again.

"They all look almost exactly alike." Rossi commented.

"Mmhm, and all of them lived in Bikini Bottom and worked in fast food joints. The rest were found raped, tortured and murdered in front of their working establishment exactly five days after they were abducted." She brought up the crime scene photos.

"So what, you think we have a serial killer on our hands?" Morgan asked.

"I think it's possible."

"The chances of five squid of similar walks of life and similar looks being abducted in the same area are slim and the fact that four were murdered in the same way _does_ suggest that all were abducted and killed by the same unsub." Reid put in.

"Well, if it is a serial killer and the unsub follows pattern we only have three days to find him until he's murdered." Prentiss said.

"Tell them we'll take the case." Hotch said getting up. "Wheels up in ten."


	3. Chamber of Horrors

Chamber of Horrors

Note: I do not own Spongebob or Criminal Minds or any of their characters

After this last remark Squidward didn't know what to say. They drove on in silence for about fifteen minutes; Squilliam with a euphoric grin on his face, Squidward panicking, his thoughts jumping from one to the other, not entirely sure what was happening. Finally they turned into a deserted road that was overhung by kelp stalks. They had only been on the road a few minutes when he saw lights ahead. The Fancyson mansion.

His heart started to beat faster. The moment they got inside he'd be completely at Squilliam's mercy. He had to think of what to do. Making a quick decision he made a leap for the wheel. Squilliam let out a yell and the car swerved. Squidward tried to steer it into a tree but Squilliam recovered from the shock all too soon and threw him off, sending him slamming against the passenger door, his head hitting the window with a crack and then everything went dark.

When he woke up he was in a damp, dark room. There was a pounding ache in his head and for a moment he couldn't remember what had happened. How had he gotten here? And where was here for that matter? Then it all came back to him. Leaving work. Seeing Squilliam. The car ride. He sat up with a groan and noticed that one of his tentacles was manacled to a large table that was built in to the floor. There was something slippery on the chain and he leaned in closer to inspect it. With a sickening feeling he realized that it was blood. He glanced around the room and noticed that there were lots of sharp instruments on the wall. A mace, multiple knives, an axe, a chainsaw, and several other instruments that he had no idea what they were but didn't want to find out. There were also cameras trained on him and pictures strewn all over the floor. He picked one up and then let it fall.

With a pit in his stomach, he picked up another and then another. They were all of various squid that looked just like him in agonizing situations. One had brand marks all over body. Another had been whipped. Others (these ones usually included Squilliam in them) were in various painful looking sexual poses. Some of them were just corpses staring straight out at him through the picture.

Shrimp! He'd known Squilliam for years and sure the guy was and asshole but Squidward had had no idea he was capable of this! He started to tug at the chain, trying with all his might to get loose. No such luck. After that he tried to reach the weapons on the walls but the chain didn't extend that far. He looked around for something else, anything that would help him, but nothing seemed encouraging. All of a sudden there was a screeching noise and he jumped as he heard footsteps come down the stairs.


	4. Arrival

Arrival

Note: I do not own Spongebob or Criminal Minds or any of their characters

The team arrived at the police station about an hour later and Hotch and Rossi immediately asked to be taken to the Krusty Krab to speak to Mr. Squarepants and to the manager while the others set up.

"Alright." An Officer Fysher said reluctantly. "But don't be surprised if you don't get much. The manager's more concerned with his money and the neighbor… well, you can see for yourself."

They arrived at the restaurant and approached the boat at the front with a cash register on top and a large crustacean standing behind it. "Hello!" the crab said smiling genially at them. "Can I take your money- er I mean order?"

"Actually I'm SSA Aaron Hotchner and this is SSA David Rossi, we're with the FBI and we're investigating the recent killings of squid in the area along with the disappearance of Squidward Tentacles. We were wondering if we could speak with Mr. Krabs?"

"Oh." The crustacean looked disappointed. "I be Mr. Krabs."

"I see." Hotch continued. "May I speak with you in your office?"

"Also," Dave spoke up "I'd like to speak with Mr. Squarepants?"

"Well," Mr. Krabs said slowly, "Since Squidward disappeared it's only me and the kid. There'd be no one to man the register or kitchen if we were both gone…"

"Sir, this is very important." Hotch said. "We'll be quick."

The Krab sighed. "I guess so. Mr. Squarepants! On deck immediately!"

"Aye, aye sir!" came a perky voice from the other room and a yellow sponge came through the door. "Spongebob Squarepants reporting for duty, sir!"

"These men want to talk with us-"

"Actually," Rossi cut him off, it would be better if we interviewed you separately.

The crab sighed again. "Okay. My office is this way" he said pointing to a door. "I guess you can use the kitchen." Hotch followed Mr. Krabs while Rossi guided Mr. Squarepants into the kitchen.

Once they were inside the kitchen Rossi turned around to face the sponge. "Mr. Squarepants-"

"Oh please, call me Spongebob. Mr. Squarepants is my father."

"Okay," he said replied raising his eyebrows, "Spongbob. We're here because we are investigating a series of murders in the area along with the disappearance of your neighbor, Mr. Squidward Tentacles."

"Oh thank God you're here!" the Squarepants said throwing his arms around the agent. "I just know something's wrong! Squidward wouldn't just not show up to work! We're so close, he'd have told me before going of somewhere and-"

"I believe you and we're going to do everything we can to get your neighbor back." Rossi said, trying to get lose. "But first you need to let me go so we can talk."

The sponge sniffed and released him. "Okay. I'm sorry."

"It's alright. I understand this is a very stressful time for you." Rossi said patting Spongebob's shoulder. "Now maybe we can't start with you telling me about your neighbor?"

"Alright. Squidward usually…" the sponge began. Meanwhile Hotch wasn't doing nearly as well with Mr. Krabs.

"Mr. Krabs, what can you tell me about your employee Squidward Tentacles?"

"Well, Squidward's a good employee I guess."

"You guess?"

"The lad shows up on time. Does his work and then goes home. Not the most friendly to the customers though and always complaining about his job and how I don't pay him enough or give him enough vacations."

"I understand you make millions a year and yet you only hire two employees. Why is that?"

"Well, if I hired any more I'd have to spend me money!"

Hotch fought the urge to roll his eyes. "Right. So why don't you tell me about Saturday night?"

"There were lots of customers so lots of money was coming in. Mr. Squarepants were out so Squidward was working as fry cook as and cashier. He was complaining as usual. He left around 'leven o'clock and haven't seen him since. Wouldn't surprise me if he decided to go away for a few days. Make a statement."

"So you don't think anything happened to him?"

"No, he does stuff like this every once in awhile. Goes on strike. Take extra long breaks. He always gets it out of his system sooner or later."

"Sir," Hotch said, "You are aware of the recent murders?"

"Oh." The crab said frowning. " Yes. Very bad for business they are."

"Mr. Krabs, four squid that look a lot like your cashier are dead. Aren't you the least bit worried?" Hotch asked sternly.

"Well of course I'm worried!" Mr. Krabs exclaimed. "Bodies outside of fast food joints scares customers away."

Hotch sighed. "That'll be all for now. We'll be in touch." He said, and showed himself out. Rossi was already waiting for him outside the restaurant.

"Well that was interesting."


	5. Declarations of Love

Declarations of Love

Note: I do not own Spongebob or Criminal Minds or any of their characters

"What the flounder do you think you're doing Squilliam?" Squidward cursed as his captor entered the room.

"I'm kidnapping you, Squiddy." The other squid replied calmly.

"Why? I know we've never gotten along but-"

"See, _that's _the very reason you're here." Squidward just stared at him uncomprehending. "I've loved you for so long, Squiddy. I've been manipulating things so we meet often but you never seem to notice me! Not in the way I want you to anyway. I'm fed up with waiting. I've decided to take what I want and to Atlantis with the consequences!"

Squidward could see by the look in Squilliam's eyes that he was too far gone to reason with so he decided to buy some time. "And all those other squid?"

"Oh, they were just practice." Squilliam said waving it off. "They looked so much like you, acted so much like you that it was easy to pretend."

"But they were tortured to death! If you love me and you pretended they were me then why would you do that to them?"

"_Because_ you've been ignoring me!" Squilliam shouted, clearly not understanding why Squidward wasn't getting it. "I wouldn't have to hurt you if you'd just acknowledge me!" Squiliam broke of panting, then said in a calmer tone, "Now, where should I start?" and started to walk over to one of the wall's and picked up a pear of anguish.

Thinking quickly Squidward yelled, "Wait!" Squilliam stopped. "I-I love you too!"

Squilliam took a small, hopeful step towards him then drew back. "You're just saying that so I won't kill you…"

"No, it's true!" Squidward pleaded. "I've just… been afraid to tell you because I thought you'd laugh in my face."

Squilliam started to relax, "Really?"

"Of course!" Squidward said in a more relaxed tone. "Who wouldn't?"

"Well, I guess that changes some things doesn't it?" Squilliam said, still looking uncertain. "You'll have to prove it!" he continued warningly.

"Anything!" Squidward replied, trying to look happy. Maybe if he could get Squilliam to relax he could find his way out.


	6. The Profile

The Profile

Note: I do not own Spongebob or Criminal Minds or any of their characters

Meanwhile, Hotch was making some calls. "Prentiss, JJ, go interview the families of the victims. Reid, Morgan, take the workplaces."

"On it, Hotch." Morgan replied. After that Hotch dialed Garcia.

"What size shoe do you wear?"

"Excuse me?"

"You know what they say about men with big shoes…"

"Garcia, I need you to run a background check on a Mr. Eugene Krabs and cross-reference him with the other victims."

"Squidward Tentacles employer? Do you think he could be the guy?"

"Not sure. He doesn't seem very concerned about his missing employee but I think if he was guilty he'd at least pretend to be. It's best to be on the safe side, see if we can rule him out."

"On it, Bossman." And she disconnected.

"So I take it your interview with Krabs didn't go so well?" Rossi asked from the drivers seat.

"Well," Hotch sighed, "That depends. He answered all my questions without difficulty and I don't think he was lying but he seems more concerned about his money and what the murders are doing to his business than about his employee. He believes that Mr. Tentacles just decided to skip work without telling anyone and the murders are just a coincidence."

"Nice guy."

"Yeah, so what about you?"

"Well I think we can rule out Mr. Squarepants as a suspect. He's extremely concerned about his neighbor and doesn't seem to have the… mental capability to pull off a crime of this magnitude."

"Let's hope the others find a bit more." They drove back to the station and waited for the others to return. About two hours later they were all there. "Any luck with other victims?"

"Not with the families." Prentiss answered. "No new person in the victim's lives. None of them did drugs or prostituted themselves. They were down on luck but not stupid or desperate enough to get mixed up in something bad."

"What about at the workplaces?"

"No one saw anything, man." Morgan said. They all left at night and never showed up for work the next day. Didn't mention anything out of the ordinary or any new friends. No one noticed anyone hanging around the restaurant or paying extra attention to the victim. Whoever this guy is he's good."

"Okay," Hotch said, "JJ, tell them we're ready to give the profile." She nodded and left. Ten minutes later they were surrounded by cops, listening for their advice.

"We believe you are looking for a homosexual squid who has suffered a recent rejection by another squid that looks similar to the victims."

"How do you know that?" a cop in the front row scoffed. "Isn't that a long shot?"

"No," Rossi said condescendingly, "We know this by his behavior. Serial killers tend to hunt in their own ethnic groups so it's probably a squid. These are sexual murders and since we found semen on the victims we know it's a homosexual male."

"Statistically, sexual serial killers are more likely to kill the gender that attracts them." Reid interjected. "Elizabeth Bathory is known for her affairs with her female maids and her victims were female while Charles Ng and Leonard Lake were heterosexual males who killed primarily women."

"And the resemblances the victims have to eachother are to similar to be a coincidence." Hotch added. "He's picking bald, lower-middle class, cephalopods who are of medium build and work at fast food joints for a reason. He's displacing his anger from the real target, most likely someone who looks like the victims, onto the victims themselves because he either can't attack the real object of his rage or he isn't confident enough to. The squid who he's really after has either rejected or slighted him recently and he wants revenge so he's taking it out on squid who look like that object."

"There's one more thing." Rossi spoke up. "This squid is non-threatening in appearance and most likely a member of your community." Here there was an uproar.

"You're trying to tell us someone we know is capable of this?" an angry fish said from the back.

"That's exactly what we're saying." Rossi answered.

"Look," Morgan said, "No one's seen this guy or noticed anything strange yet he managed to grab his targets without anyone seeing him and without them mentioning anything out of the ordinary to their friends and family. That means that the unsub was able to study his targets without being perceived as a threat and approach them without them getting nervous. The only way he could do that would be if he's someone they see every day that they trust. It's possible that he approached them in a time of need and got them in his boat. They'd think he was just being neighborly and anyone else wouldn't even notice a friend getting into another friends car."

"Now, are there anymore questions?" Hotch asked, "Okay, we'd like your help getting this profile out to all the local fast food places, especially the ones that the victims worked at. Somebody has seen this guy and just doesn't realize it. We hope this profile will help them remember something." The police dispersed, leaving the team alone.


	7. First Date

First Date

Note: I do not own Spongebob or Criminal Minds or any of their characters

Meanwhile Squidward was having the oddest dinner he'd ever eaten. The table was circular and had a crimson table cloth and a candle in the middle. There were two plates of something with ingredients that looked like they could only be found on the surface set and red wine in a bucket of ice. It would have been romantic if he hadn't been tied to a chair, the ropes behind him and only his forearms able to move, just enough so he could eat. Squilliam sat across from him, looking at him anxiously. Trying to appease him he managed to shovel some food into his mouth. "Mmm, this is really good, Squilliam. Thank you for doing this for me."

Squilliam smiled. "I'm just glad you like it. You don't think it's a bit much for a first date?"

"No, of course not! I think it's very sweet."

"So, what do you want to do after this?"

"Umm, I don't know, maybe see a movie?"

"Hmmm. I don't know if it's a good idea to go out." Squidward could see that Squilliam was starting to become suspicious.

"I meant in the house!" He said quickly. "I mean, a guy like you has to have lots of movies!"

"Oh," Squilliam looked relieved, "Of course! What do you want to watch?"

"I don't know, maybe Titanic?"

"Sure." Squilliam lead the way to a room that had a wall that had a movie screen from ceiling to floor, a projector, and a couch.

"Wow, this is really nice, Squilliam! I could never afford anything like this!" Squidward was actually serious, not just trying to flatter his captor.

Squilliam smiled and wrapped his arms around Squidward pulling him over to the couch. "Don't worry, babe. You'll have everything now that you're with me." He put the tape on and they started to watch. About halfway through the movie Squidward noticed that Squilliam's grip on him had significantly loosened. He looked over at him and saw that he was asleep.

"Squilliam?" he didn't answer. "Squilliam?" he shifted and managed to ease himself out of Squilliams arms.

After that he tiptoed to the door and closed it softly behind him then started to walk down the hallway, trying not to make any noise. There had to be an exit or a telephone or something around here. He opened a door, but it was just a closet. Another one but it was a library. He had his tentacle on the knob when he felt someone grab his arm and spin him around.

"What are you doing?" It was Squilliam and he did not look happy.


	8. Sleeping Arrangements

Sleeping Arrangements

Note: I do not own Spongebob or Criminal Minds or any of their characters

"Oh, I was just trying to find the bathroom!" Squidward said thinking quickly.

"Right." Squilliam stared at him for a moment, clearly not buying it. "It's this way." He turned and Squidward followed him. Squilliam led him to a door down the hall and opened it to reveal a bathroom filled with golden everything. Golden toilets, golden sinks, golden showers. Even golden toilet paper.

"Wow, this is great, Squilliam!" Squidward said, playing to the other's ego. "I've never seen anything like this!"

Apparently it worked. Squiliam grinned smugly, "Everything's imported."

Squidward went in and used the bathroom to avoid suspicion. There were no windows so when he was done he just washed his hand and went out to Squilliam. "So, what should we do now?"

Squilliam smiled at him. "Well, I think it's too late to catch the end of the movie but I guess we could rewind it if you wanted too."

"No that's okay. " Squidward replied quickly. He didn't think he could stand watching the movie again.

"Then how about we go to bed?"

"Alright." Squidward said hesitantly. He wasn't sure he wanted to know about the sleeping arrangements but it would look strange if he said no.

"Come on then." He was led to an elevator and ushered inside. There were plush seats and everything. Squilliam hit the button for the fifth floor. Another button was hit and hot water poured in along with bubble bath.

"A Jacuzzi in your elevator?" Squidward said, relaxing somewhat. He'd known that Squilliam was pampered but this was luxurious!

"Mmhm. You like it, Squiddy?" Squilliam asked, scooting closer and whispering in Squidward's ear. This caused Squidward to sit up straight and remember the situation he was in.

"Uh, yeah. I-" thankfully he was saved from having to say anything else by the ding of the elevator. The water drained and they got out into a ridiculously large room. Apparently the whole fifth floor was Squilliam's bedroom.

"This is my bedroom." Squilliam said, proudly showing it off. "Now, I think that since we already took a bath, we should just go right to bed. "

"Okay." Squidward answered, nervously.

"It's right over here." Squilliam said guiding him over to a huge bed that was larger than a King size. Squidward was relieved. Hopefully this meant he wouldn't have to sleep anywhere near Squilliam. Squilliam turned off the light and the two lay down. Squidward was just starting to relax when he felt a tentacle creep around his waist.


	9. Discussions

Discussions

Note: I do not own Spongebob or Criminal Minds or any of their characters

"Penelope." Hotch said into his phone, dialing her number immediately after the police left.

"Speak and be heard, mon capitan."

"I need you to do background checks on all of the five victims. See if a name or a place keeps coming up or if they have anything in their past in common."

"On it, sir." And she hung up.

"Okay," Hotch turned to the rest of the team. "It's getting late lets head back to our rooms and get some rest. We'll meet here tomorrow at nine." With that they all headed back to the hotel to get some sleep.

…

Squidward gasped but managed to restrain himself from jerking away. "W-what are you doing?" He stammered.

"I told you," Squilliam whispered in his ear, "I've been waiting to do this for a long time. I don't want to wait any longer."

Squidward could feel the other squid hardening against him. Thinking fast he said, "D-don't you think this is going a bit fast? Shouldn't we s-slow down?"

"What do you mean?" Squilliam pulled away sounding offended.

"I just think that maybe we should take it easy.

Thinking fast he turned and wrapped his tentacles around the other said, "I just think that maybe we should take it easy." He sucked in his breath and placed a placating kiss on the other's forehead. "After all we have all the rest of our lives."

"So? Why do we need to wait? I've been waiting for twenty years!" The fact that Squilliam had been him ever since they had first met was slightly disconcerting but Squidward played along with it.

"I know, I know, but that was as an enemy. I want to get to know you as a lover before we do anything!"

Squilliam relaxed. "Of course, Squiddy! I'm sorry; I wasn't thinking about it that way. Whatever makes you feel comfortable."

Relieved, Squidward planted another kiss on Squilliam and then rolled back over. His relief didn't last long. Squilliam kept to his promise that night, and didn't do anything more than hold him. However, Squidward could still feel the other's erection pressed against him when he finally fell into an uneasy sleep. A reminder that Squidward might not be able to talk himself out of it for long.


End file.
